Here are some hilarious jokes to help lighten your day a little.
Nothing like a little good humor, Enjoy.
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!” The other guy replies, “You’re on the other side!”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I’m dressing.
“I stand corrected!” Said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
I used to be addicted to soap. But I’m clean now.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things so literally.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, “Do you want an aquarium?” The guy responds, “I don’t care what star sign it is!”
What do you call bears with no ears? B–
What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent last year.
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “darn” and a skydiver goes “darn” *whack*.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now!
Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, “You ever worry about that mad cow disease?” The other cow says, “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter!”
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You’re looking sharp.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today? I don’t know and don’t really care.
